Ask and you shall receive….
Answering some questions from our readers today. :)
To men, sex is love, so this question doesn’t even make sense to most of them. This is normal, most marriages go through something like this. Don’t give up hope.
This is a woman who is hurting, needing love, wanting to know what to do with a husband who doesn’t know how to love her in a way she understands. Let me be clear about that, he is loving her, just not in a way she can understand. It is a young love, a little selfish, and self-centered, but it is love.
Step 1: Decide if he’s worth it I put this in here, not because I believe in divorce, I don’t. But because a decision needs to be made. Are you ready to do what it takes to fight for your marriage? Because the stuff I have listed below is not for wimps, and it’s not for half-committed women who want to whine about how awful their husbands are. It’s for the women who want to have their best marriage possible and are willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Is that you?
Step 2: You need to get your needs filled before you will be able to freely give love/sex to your husband. Since he is unable to fill them at the moment, you will need to find another place to get them filled. Here are some suggestions. (we will talk about how to get your husband to fill your needs later, but first we need to take care of you)
-a hobby you love to do
-anything that makes you feel better about who you are as a person, that makes you receive attention and love from the people around you.
Step 3: Drop your expectations you have for him, drop every one of them. Yes, I know it’s not fair. But you are the woman, you are the relationship builder, the one in charge of nurturing your relationship. He is the provider and protector, it’s just how it is. Men are not as good at relationships as women, it’s how they are designed. Along with dropping your expectations, you drop any nagging or manipulation you may have been doing to get him to fill your expectations.
Step 4: Have sex anyway, the actions precede the feelings, and you should be filling strong and filled up by step 2. They say a mother and her baby fall in love not when the baby is smelling powdery sweet and smiling, but when the mother spends night after night walking her child because of an earache, or when the child needs feedings every two hours. The love grows because of the intense demand for action required by a mother to take care of the baby. Not having sex with your husband, tends to backfire as a strategy for wives, he will become more bitter and angry, instead of more loving. Don’t fall into the same trap that he has, love unselfishly, giving all of yourself to him. Unselfishly is hard.
Step 5: You figure out how to respect him. In order for him to listen to your feelings, to listen to how you need to be loved, to even care about trying to love you, he needs to respect you. And he won’t respect you until he knows you respect him first. Respect begets respect. Also dress nicely and do your hair, for some reason that gains respect among men too, and you want respect.
Step 6: Wait patiently, kindly, and quietly, and when he figures out how to love you, reward him like crazy in his love language. He may show his love in strange ways like mowing the lawn. Encourage him when he does that, and hint towards other things that will make you happy and make you feel loved. Most men want to please their wives, especially if they are getting lots of sex and respect. Patience is highly underestimated in our society, it takes patience to build trust. Hinting at your love expectations is better than demanding or being direct, because it allows him the opportunity to please you on his own. Which will do two good things, it will make you feel more loved (because he came up with it on his own) and it will make him more involved in the relationship (which will produce mature and selfless love on his part…see step 4)
Step 7: Results are not guaranteed, remember this, and find ways to fulfill your life so that you can be happy and purposeful, and not always focused on fixing him, or fixing your marriage. Joy is possible in any circumstances, find your joy. Husbands are not the definer of your worth as a woman; you are beautiful, you are worth loving, you are interesting, and talented.
I wish you the best of luck with your marriage…..and would also like to open up the comments to this question because there are many wise women here who have wonderful advice to give.