Marriage / Relationships

The Surrendered Wife: Resist Biting the Bait

(GBG Surrendered Wife Book Club)

The Surrendered Wife: Chapter 9

Your husband may chafe at the changes surrendering brings to your marriage at first, and try to get you to go back to the old ways by using bait.

Do your best to avoid giving him advice, even if he asks for it. He may squirm or complain, but he’ll always figure things out eventually. If your husband asks what he should do, deflect the question by encouraging him to do whatever he thinks he should do. Each time you resist the temptation to “bite the bait”, congratulate yourself on your progress. (pg. 125)

Now, I know what you are thinking “but as his First Officer he needs my opinion!”. This is not about surrendering to doormat hood it is about not falling back into old habits. At first when we surrender he can be just as lost as we are. It’s tempting to go back to taking the lead in things when he asks for our help. Instead let him know that you know that he can handle it on his own. Just remember- he either knows what to do or will figure it out. Not allowing that to play out is continuing on in your pre-surrender life.

Related GBG posts:

Create a Vacuum & He Will Fill It

Stop Doing it For Him

NOTE: Next week we will not be having book updates. I want to give people time to catch up. I’ll see you the Monday after next!

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5 thoughts on “The Surrendered Wife: Resist Biting the Bait

  1. It helped me to think of this advice in terms of masculine “frame.” If your husband loses his masculine “frame,” don’t attack- help him regain it by giving him back the lead. After reading this, I began to see the little ways in which I jumped onto a moment of weakness (I bit the bait) instead of reaffirming his leadership.

  2. Can I be a male interloper here? I’m at a career crossroads with my industry coming to a close so will likely be out of a job in the next couple of years. I put together a matrix of job scenarios with pros and cons. I made a copy for my wife. Her only response when I tried to engage her on it was, “It looks pretty thorough.” I get frame and all that but is not something of this magnitude something we would work through together? And is it somehow weak of me to seek my wife’s input on such life altering decisions?

  3. Rezzrow, my husband doesn’t like it when I don’t give my opinion either. I’ve learned that this is my marriage and he is asking for help. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would be upset that he wouldn’t at least give his opinion. My husband is the leader of our home and a part of being a good leader is knowing when to ask for another persons opinion or advice.

  4. I just wanted to point out that the Author doesn’t say never to give your opinion: “The only times you wouldn’t want to refer to your husband back to his own thinking is if he’s asking you two choose something based on your desires, such as where you want to go to dinner, what color you like or which apartment you’d rather live in” (131) She also states that if a husband is asking for validation about something he’s done go ahead and give your opinion. i.e. “What do you think of the way I trimmed the bushes, mowed the lawn, waxed the car etc. “

  5. This passage really struck me, “When he says “What do you think?” What he’s really saying is “What do you think of my ability to handle this situation?”” I think this is true and after reading it, I found that I was more respectful in expressing my opinions (when I gave them) and much more likely to reassure him that I trusted his judgement.

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