Marriage / Relationships

The Surrendered Wife: Express Your Desires

(GBG Surrendered Wife Book Club)

The Surrendered Wife Chapter 5

Don’t hesitate to tell your husband what you want, whether it’s a vacation, new furniture, piano lessons for the kids, time to yourself, or even a baby. But make sure you are describing an end-result, not telling him how to do it. (pg. 78)

Laura, in this chapter, is telling us to remember to communicate our wants and needs with our husbands. She goes into 5 ways NOT to do this:

  1. Stop telling him how to get you what you want
  2. Stop telling him why he should get you what you want
  3. Stop making demands
  4. Stop asking for permission or agreement
  5. Stop projecting your desires

(Each of these points has a page or so of explanation to them that are well worth the read for those that aren’t reading along with us)

Remember…

When you express a desire purely and simply, you’re acknowledging and honoring your self and providing your husband with an opportunity- nothing more. (pg. 79)

Sometimes we try to make our men guess what we want so we don’t have to acknowledge our own desires. To get a sense of what that’s like, imagine a server at a restaurant comes to take your order, and instead of telling her what you want, you say “I think you know,” or “Can’t you see I’m hungry?” At best, the server could suggest that you order the special, or she could choose something off the menu at random and bring it to you. Chances are slim that your dinner would be what you want. (pg. 81)

To be clear…

I feel like I have to say this because we can take such information and misuse it- this is not about getting everything you want from your man! This is about doing yourself and him a favor by not expecting him to guess and being open and honest about what it is you need/want. We shouldn’t be spoiled little girls about this demanding everything under the sun. Just be honest, that’s it. Be honest and respectful in that honesty.

** This chapter brought to mind a post of Ian Ironwood’s from a few months back; Girl Game: Issue A Challenge. They aren’t exactly the same thing, of course, but do read this blog post as a sort of supplement.

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3 thoughts on “The Surrendered Wife: Express Your Desires

  1. Stop asking your husband for permission? That seems counter intuitive. I haven’t read this chapter yet, so maybe she discusses it more, but I ask my husband’s permission for plenty of things.

  2. Like MRS. KTC, I have some reservations about the “don’ts.” I am not sure about not making demands but I too realize it is a remark that may be better explained when read in context. If a husband is refusing his wife sex unreasonably, doesn’t she have the right to expect/demand sex from him as his spouse. It may just be that the word “demand” is a violently loaded word and another synonym would sound less authority stripping toward the husband. Perhaps she says this because “demands” are usually issued with concurrent ultimatums attached, which are only really only enforceable upon the issuer and end up punishing them. Laura is dead on about not telling him how to meet her desires though.

  3. So I read the part about not asking permission. What I got from it was this: don’t be passive aggressive about your requests. Let your desires be known. Do not try to “soften” your desires by asking permission. If you state your desires, you are giving your husband an opportunity to please you. However, if you ask permission, and he says “no” this may cause unnecessary conflict and make him out to be the bad guy. I don’t know. When I ask my husband for permission I’m genuine about it. If he says “no” I do not view him as being a bad guy, I see him as a leader with a backbone. I do see what she is driving at though – be straight forward and respectful.

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