Marriage / Relationships / Sex

Create a Vacuum & He Will Fill It

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I found the red pill before my husband & decided to make my relationship take on more traditional gender roles. The entire western world & all forms of media have, since I was born in the 1960s, encouraged the exact opposite of traditional gender roles. I was raised to be a strong independent woman & my husband was raised to put women on a pedestal & kowtow to her every whim.

It’s been a little over two years since I discovered this little corner of the internet & made this decision & it has worked out really well for my husband & me. I found that if I created a vacuum, he would step up & fill the void. I wanted him to start running the relationship, so I quit running the relationship. He picked up the slack & is now in charge of the direction our relationship is going.

I wanted him to be more dominant & to initiate more, so I became more submissive & quit initiating. I started touching him more in non-sexual ways & sexual but not initiating sort of ways. He stepped up and started initiating sex. I think that I had probably refused sex for stupid reasons (I’m tired!) so much that he decided to just have me let him know when I was ready.

I told him about a year ago that my body was his to touch in any way that he wanted, whenever he wanted. If he wants me he needs to take me. He looked kind of alarmed until I told him that I wasn’t going to fight him, but instead I will respond enthusiastically. You need to keep in mind that I have been with him for close to 30 years, so I have had a lot of time to beat him down on the sexual front. Heck, on all fronts; I wasn’t the worst wife in the world, but I wasn’t the best either.

I absolutely HATED that whole “where do you want to eat” “wherever you want” “I don’t know, whatever you want” “what are you hungry for” thing that we had going on. Just choose a damned restaurant! I wasn’t sure what to do to change this, so I started giving him choices. I didn’t make the decision; I said “this place has half price appetizers & this place has burgers on sale on Tuesdays” & made him choose.

Now he asks where the good deals are or who is working where & decides what he wants to do. I will give him a choice of what I have the ingredients to cook & he decides what he wants to eat. I just really don’t care what I eat as long as it is healthy & tasty. This is working so much better for me & hopefully for him. I used to make all of the decisions because it was less painful to me than dealing with the “what do you want to do” “I don’t know, what do you want to do” thing.

A huge part of stepping back & letting him make the decisions is that I am not allowed to bitch or nag about the decisions made. I have to accept his decisions & work with them. Luckily, he makes much better decisions than I do, so there haven’t really been any problems there. I still have a problem with nagging when I don’t know that a decision has been made, but he is pretty good at saying “quit nagging me!”

It is still a work in progress, but I think we are headed in the right direction. We have a lot of years of feminism’s damage to correct & it has been baby steps all the way. For the first time in a long time I see us actually headed in a certain direction instead of just spinning our wheels. It is so much nicer to follow a leader than it is to lead a reluctant follower.

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20 thoughts on “Create a Vacuum & He Will Fill It

  1. Thank you very, very much. Just found this blog a few days ago. I am rather tired of always steering the ship, but nagging at him to take over the wheel makes it worse. I have spent the 10 years we have been together trying to learn not to be so controlling, but damage was done early on, but I can see there’s still some alpha under there, and I am working to help him develop it. I would welcome more on how exactly to do this.

    • It’s baby steps all the way, but I think if you release control he will step up & take the reins. I’ve found that he is less likely to do something if nagged, but when he sees that it needs doing, he gets it done all by himself.

      I generally nag when I’m alarmed by something that he doesn’t seem to be doing anything about. I’m trying to just say something once to draw his attention, if it is a really pressing matter, and then don’t mention it again. It is very difficult, but I try my best.

  2. This is something I’ve been learning how to do also. It’s also been nice to just let go of things, like money decisions, and see where he takes us. I like watching him grow stronger as a leader in our home.

    • It’s amazing, isn’t it? Every day he becomes more decisive & a stronger leader. I think a lot of it has to do with me being a better follower & trying really hard to not second-guess him

    • You really don’t even have to do anything except stop doing whatever you want them to start doing. So simple it plum evaded me!

      Of course, I save this tactic for the big things & I still take care of little things like cooking & laundry, etc.

      • It is sooo simple. You just have to be prepared for the period where it doesn’t work simply for the fact that he’s expecting you to switch back and start reacting/doing what ever it is that you normally do. Once you get past that, it’s pretty easy really. Men want to lead, so given the chance, they will.

      • I totally forgot about that. Yes, we did have a little adjustment period. It lasted a couple of months, but once he saw that I was serious about it, he took charge.

        Good catch!

  3. Great post, Tempest….

    Re coaxing/suggesting/nagging – can’t speak for other men, but the language used matters so much as to what we “hear”. Being nagged makes me resentful – however, a subtle suggestion and I’m all in. One phrasing I respond to very well is “I like it when you _____”. It’s suggestive, it’s “nice” and it gives us an opportunity to step forward postively.

    And this is a simple technique wrt the whole filling the leadership void bit.

    Enjoying this blog, I am – it’s great to be able to listen to what you’re all saying

    • “I like it when you _____”

      That’s a good one. And I’m glad you like the blog; there are a lot of female blogs that start out like this, even Jezebel was fun in the beginning, but all of them eventually reverted to Team Woman! We are determined to keep this one strictly about femininity & improving our value to our husbands, families & homes.

  4. I was raised by a traditional Mother, Daddy and Stepdad(Daddy died). I then married a very controlling man. Lived that life for 35 years and am now with a man who allows me to be whatever I want. He encourages me to be independent and to make my own decisions. It is a difficult thing to do sometimes. I am at the point of feeling like I am too controlling and want to tone it down. I think I am just learning and will find my way eventually. Interesting journey, this woman thing. I do agree that teamwork is the key.

    • “I am at the point of feeling like I am too controlling and want to tone it down.”

      That’s where I was 2 years ago; I was running the relationship (into the ground) & wasn’t very happy about it. My husband was just along for the ride & had kind of given up a little. When I stepped back & let him be a man, we were both so much happier.

  5. “I found the red pill before my husband & decided to make my relationship take on more traditional gender roles. The entire western world & all forms of media have, since I was born in the 1960s, encouraged the exact opposite of traditional gender roles. I was raised to be a strong independent woman & my husband was raised to put women on a pedestal & kowtow to her every whim.”

    I wonder if putting women on a pedestal and becoming dependent on them is connected in the brains of some men.

    In my own culture Indian men put their mothers on a the highest pedestal you can imagine and at the same time are dependent on them well into adulthood, indeed, their entire lives, in many ways.

    On the other hand I have a close American friend who’s husband calls her “Empress”, “Goddess”, “My Queen” in public and verbally dotes on her, all the while being a lazy guy who surfs the net all day while she goes to work and pays all the bills.

  6. I have dedicated this day to reading more on many of the blogs I am following. In fact, I started to post a new one on my own today that almost mirrors this one Miss Tcup. :-) Last weekend was a tough one with the Captain. After a lot of reflecting on my own learned, bad behavior that I had brandished, we were able to talk our way through it and came out the other side much better for it. I never want to be in that place again.

    Reading other’s posts who are also works in progress, which I know I will be till the end, is so helpful in knowing I am not alone. The support gained here is immeasurable. I always tell the Captain how wonderful he is and how grateful I am that he swallowed the jagged, huge red pill and introduced it to me. I cannot fathom reverting back to our old stinking thinking. Frankly, it sickens the both of us.

    The part that I am currently trying so hard to work on is not initiating sex as often as I would like. How can I help it when he is so damn sexy and dominant? That is something I never knew I always wanted! We have developed such a healthy sex life, full of experimenting. Recently, our communication has been enriched and consists of deeper desires and likes while opening a whole new world in this area. Sex after 40 only gets better and better since I have become completely submissive. No is not in my vocabulary. I gladly turned over full control in all aspects, (not that I really ever had any) but especially in this one.

  7. This is really good stuff. Though I’m slightly dismayed to see how easily we can be trained, I’m glad that at least the intention is to move things towards a positive, mutually-fulfilling relationship.

    There is no bigger turn-off than a woman making masculine statements like “This is what we’re doing, get over here” or otherwise making demands. I actually “feel it” like a knife to the stomach, it’s hard to describe.

    Even if it’s a good idea, I will refuse to do it for any number of reasons if it’s presented in that manner.

    • I don’t really think of it as training him; I think of it as stepping back and allowing him to fill his natural gender role. That’s why it is so easy, it is the way men naturally act instead of forcing them to back off of the dominant position, which is the “strong independent woman’s” way of doing things.

  8. Pingback: The Surrendered Wife: Resist Biting the Bait | Girls Being Girls

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